


we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin

by kenobilovebot



Series: we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, But Obi-Wan is so tired., Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23534578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenobilovebot/pseuds/kenobilovebot
Summary: The thought of Anakin's near descent into darkness is like a vise around his throat, drawing from him what little air he'd had left, what little will he'd had to keep moving.I have failed you.With it (as if it isn't enough) comes the thought of Qui-Gon, of how he'd never managed to be enough. With that, the memory of Satine is a weight on his chest. Long has he borne these burdens, and now they come at him as a battering ram.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Series: we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1810186
Comments: 8
Kudos: 378





	we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin

_I have failed you, Anakin._

_I have failed you._

Obi-Wan is so tired. 

The thought of Anakin's near descent into darkness is like a vise around his throat, drawing from him what little air he'd had left, what little will he'd had to keep moving. _I have failed you._ With it (as if it isn't enough) comes the thought of Qui-Gon, of how he'd never managed to be enough. With that, the memory of Satine is a weight on his chest. Long has he borne these burdens, and now they come at him as a battering ram. 

Obi-Wan thinks he is finished. There is nothing left for him. Not even the Jedi order, narrowly saved from the threat of extinction, is enough to keep him here. Nothing. 

_I have failed you._

Failure. Loss. Heavily recurring themes in his life. Never enough for Qui-Gon, not enough to save Satine, and how _immensely_ he had failed Anakin. Clearly not a good Jedi, if such evidence of his many attachments are any indication. 

It is time to go -- to become one with the Force. Perhaps it will forgive him where he cannot forgive himself. Hopefully, it will wash away the hurts that he has carried with him for so long. 

He will force no one to bear the weight of final, sorrowful goodbyes and confessions. The only one he would wish to speak with would be Anakin, besides. He's done enough damage to Anakin to last a lifetime already. Anakin, of all people, will be alright without him. 

_I have failed you._

* * *

When Master Yoda comes to find Anakin and deliver the news, he is certain that he has misheard. 

"What?"

Obi-Wan would never try such a thing, would never... not when things have started to return to some semblance of alright between them. Anakin had begun to forgive. He'd thought that Obi-Wan had as well. 

"In the infirmary, Obi-Wan is. Tried to harm himself, he did." Matter - of - fact as the words are for once, Master Yoda looks incredibly sad, ears drooping. 

"To harm himself," Anakin repeats, dazed. 

"To end his life." 

Obi-Wan wouldn't. He couldn't. Anakin would have noticed, had he been in such agony. Someone would have noticed. 

How had none of them noticed? 

"Wake up alone, he should not. Frightening, it would be." 

Hint taken. Anakin hesitates, wonders if Obi-Wan will even want his company. The timing isn't coincidental, it can't be. For Obi-Wan to do this so soon after he'd nearly fallen... it must have something to do with him. It must. 

But now isn't the time for guilt, or shame. He simply has to go be with his former master. That much, he can manage. That much, he surely owes Obi-Wan. 

* * *

Obi-Wan is terribly still. 

He's seen this man in the infirmary dozens of times, probably. Sat vigil at his bedside just as many as times. This is different, somehow. Perhaps it's the knowledge that it's self-inflicted this time that makes it so difficult. 

Anakin hadn't asked what Obi-Wan had done. He isn't certain that he would have been able to bear such knowledge. 

He will be waking soon, they tell him. This is the remnant of a sleep suggestion, one given when he had half-woken in anguish. Master Windu's work, apparently. The other Jedi had been reluctant to leave Obi-Wan alone with Anakin. There had been that brief, all-too- ready flash of anger at the thought, but Anakin had managed to release it into the Force. It isn't the time for anger. It's understandable, he had reminded himself, after all that had happened. At the reassurance of Healer Che, Windu had gone, anyway. 

His attention is drawn from his thoughts and back to the figure on the bed at a quiet sound. They'd been right -- Obi-Wan has begun to stir, brows drawn together and fingers twitching. On instinct, Anakin reaches for his hand and for their largely dormant Force bond. The one that now seems to hang by a thread, that had nearly been destroyed by his descent into darkness. Pushing the thought away, Anakin closes his eyes and tries to flood that bond with warmth, peace, anything he can muster. 

Obi-Wan stills momentarily. When Anakin glances to his face, he finds that Obi-Wan's eyes are open, albeit a little glassy. They're fixed dazedly on Anakin's own, and he resists the urge to look away. 

"Obi-Wan," he whispers, giving the hand in his a careful squeeze. "You're safe. I'm here. Do you want to go back to sleep?"

" 'kin..." comes the answering murmur, fingers twitching, but he doesn't attempt to pull free. 

"That's right. It's me. I'm here." 

"Y' are?" 

The dim surprise in his former master's voice causes a sudden ache to form and lodge itself just beneath Anakin's breastbone. He shuts his eyes once more against an instinctive surge of anger, either at Obi-Wan or himself. It's been difficult, training these reactions out of himself -- to cast away the darkness and reach for the light instead. 

He's getting better. He must be, or Obi-Wan is so out of it that he doesn't notice it, because still, his hand remains relaxed in Anakin's own. 

"Yes," Anakin says at last, once he can trust himself to do so. He wants to ask why, wants to know so badly why Obi-Wan would do such a thing that he can only barely restrain himself. Instead, he smiles, wondering if it would be best to put the other man back to sleep. He doesn't. "Obi-Wan?" 

Lids have begun to droop once more, but hazy blues drift back to his face. "Hmm?" 

Despite the situation, all he's getting from Obi-Wan now is... contentment. Perhaps he isn't coherent enough to remember just yet. That's probably for the best. Or maybe the sedative they'd given him is simply that strong. Either way, the ache in Anakin's chest intensifies. When had things gotten so bad that his mere presence here is enough to comfort Obi-Wan to this degree? 

"I love you." As he speaks, he does his damnedest to project, too, to make sure that Obi-Wan can feel the truth behind the words. "Very much. Alright? I just -- I just want you to know that." Gentle fingers press to Obi-Wan's forehead, sleep suggestion following the words. "I think you ought to go back to sleep now. I'll still be here when you wake up. I promise." 

* * *

The next time Obi-Wan wakes, he is a little more coherent. Enough that he remembers. 

"Anakin." The soft, anguished voice draws Anakin's attention from the datapad he had been staring at. He starts to reach for Obi-Wan, but the other continues, gaze fixed on the ceiling. "Anakin, I'm -- truly sorry."

"For what?" 

There is a weighted pause, long enough that Anakin begins to dread what is coming next. 

"Everything," Obi-Wan finally says. He still can't seem to look at his old padawan. Anakin is a little, selfishly, glad for it. "I failed you." The words only grow softer and softer, the weight of his apparent shame dragging them down. Anakin feels sick. "I failed you before, and now..." 

A tiny, apologetic smile. "You've had to sit vigil at my bedside. I did something wrong -- I should've been dead, you shouldn't have to..." 

"Obi-Wan!" Anakin is on his feet before he realizes what he's doing, hands balled into fists. "Don't do that. Don't smile about it like that, and don't apologize for... what, you think I _wanted_ you dead? I want you here. With _me."_

"It would have been best for you." 

Fury coils like a snake in the pit of his stomach, too sudden and too much. It isn't fair. It isn't fair that Obi-Wan had tried to leave him, and all because... "What's best for me is to have you _here!_ I need you! What were you kriffing _thinking,_ huh? You've always thought you know what's best for me, and --" 

He's doing it again. Obi-Wan's eyes are closed against the onslaught, and his hands tremble, something he would never have allowed to be so noticeable were it not for his current condition. 

"I'm tired." 

The words, barely audible, aren't what Anakin had expected to hear, and all at once the fire is extinguished, leaving another hollow ache behind. 

"What?" 

"I'm so tired." Softer still. Anakin strains to catch it. "I didn't want to hurt anymore." 

It's more open than Obi-Wan has been with him in years. No, more open than Obi-Wan has ever been with him. Why does he suddenly wish that his old master hadn't said anything at all? 

"I didn't want to fail anyone else. And you didn't need me. It's been a long time since you have. My presence has only brought you harm." A quiet, hitching breath. The strained smile that Obi-Wan offers this time is plainly exhausted, barely there. "I was never what you needed me to be." 

"Obi-Wan, stop. _Please_ stop." Abruptly, Anakin slumps back into his chair, reaching for Obi-Wan's hands again. The other man doesn't protest, but nor does he look at him. "That isn't true. I know what I said before, I know what I thought, but I don't think that now. You were a good master. A good friend. I mean that. Don't you remember what I told you when you woke before? I love you." 

There is no response this time. Rather, Obi-Wan draws a sudden, shuddering breath, one that wrenches Anakin's heart in his chest. Then come the tears, and he feels as if it's plummeting to his stomach. Has he ever seen Obi-Wan cry before? 

"Obi-Wan," he whispers, reaching out, dragging his unresisting master into a semi-upright position and against his chest. Not once does Obi-Wan struggle this time, his entire frame quaking. "It's alright. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I should've known." 

Anakin doesn't know how long they sit that way. Long enough for Obi-Wan to weep himself into exhaustion, to go still against Anakin's chest, fingers fisted in his robes. How long has it been since he's had anything to hold onto? Satine? Anakin isn't sure if he's awake anymore, but he speaks anyway. 

"I'm going to help you, Obi-Wan. I mean that. We're going to fix this. We'll find a way to make things right again." 

**Author's Note:**

> They have a lot to work through. That's all for now, but if anyone is interest, I definitely wouldn't mind writing in this verse again.


End file.
